Is it My Turn? Is it My Turn?


Idiots.

The mini roundabout. Who had the right of way? Henry, Pauline and Hattie certainly didn’t know. They waited and waited until they all went at once, crashing into each other in a mess of misunderstanding.

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Pack It In


Gordon tucked everything into his trousers. Including his face.

This picture was inspired by Krissy Krabtree¬† who’s written a witty post about men who tuck everything into their trousers. I told her that I’d have a go at doing a drawing based on her thoughts and came up with Gordon, who clearly has wardrobe issues. How he breathes in that thing I’ll never know.

Matt x

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Cocks And Robbers


Thanks go to my good friend Lee Hearnden for this. He suggested a story on the theme of ‘cocks and robbers’ but all that came into my head was this giant cock in Adidas joggers and Reebok Classic trainers (circa 1990’s.) I do enjoy drawing, or I suppose doodling would be a better description, and I often mix it with text. Sometimes though, when an image is strong enough, or if the drawing is a giant cock in joggers, no text would ever add anything extra to the image.

Matt x

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Something to Write About


I’m looking for a topic to write a short story on. One page maximum. Can anyone suggest any topics?

Matt x

Three Tit Sally


I knew a girl once, called Sally. I remember talking to Sally one day and noticing something quite strange, and then I realised what it was; she had three tits. I started telling people because I wanted to feel popular, but then girls started teasing her. They called her names. Three tit Sally they would say. I felt awful. But, the boys loved them so I suppose I shouldn’t feel so bad.

 

Toilet Humour


Darren shit himself because his mates’ toilet wouldn’t flush.

Mirror Shop


“Look in the mirror. What do you see?”

“Nothing.”

“Exactly. That’s because it’s not a mirror.”

“Wow. That’s pretty clever.”

“I know. Would you like to buy a mirror?”

“No thanks. I don’t believe in mirrors any more.”

“Well, in that case, I think you should leave.”

 

Sued


Craig sued his boss because he was given the wrong career ladder.


Feb


Stella didn’t do anything in Febuary because she didn’t know how to spell it.

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Fly Tip Bitch


Cath occasionally helps Kevin to fly-tip. Kevin is Cath’s husband and he’s a bit of a cunt. He deals in rubble and building bits mostly but he’s known to dump a few tyres in the woods for a laugh. Cath drives the lorry sometimes, just in case Kevin wants to chuck some small bits out the window. Either that or she tags along and serves tea.

Sometimes she’ll just stay at home and make dinner if the truck is full because you can only fit three cunts in a truck, and Kevin has two sons who are both cunts and they also like to fly-tip when they’re not beating people up.

19.45pm


Two Ice-Cream vans turned up at the same time.

The estate spilled out into the streets, as if a 99 with a flake were key to them surviving the night.

Mums exchanged abuse at Key Stage Level 1, as they tried to remember what they didn’t have yesterday.

“You ‘int got enough! You ‘int got enough!” They shouted.

Main Course


“Is everything OK with your meal?”

“No. Actually it isn’t.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Yes. Because I haven’t received my meal yet.”

“OK. I’ll see if I can find out what the problem is.”

“Well, I haven’t even ordered yet. That’s the problem.”

“I’m so sorry sir. Would you like to see the menu?”

“Yes please.”

“Have you booked a table tonight, sir?”

“No.”

“In that case I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We really are quite busy.”

What?


Harriett didnt use commas when she wrote or spoke for that matter which is why I find her hard to figure out why dont you talk to me no more is that a question because i dont see no question mark

full stop

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Pressure Points on Pressure Sellers


Pressure sellers have dirty hands with elongated grabby fingers, and greasy mouths that spout rubbish as they try to gain access to your home.

The rest of a pressure seller is predominantly fat and gristle.

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Delays


Rebecca was livid at the idea that a volcano would somehow mean that she couldn’t fly to Sharm-el-Sheikh.

At some point during her worthless life, she developed the idea that not dying was slightly less important than pissing about on a camel for two weeks.

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Needless Expense


Denise scrambled for a holiday request form, as greedy co-workers discussed the variety of cakes they wanted her to bring in for her birthday.

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Priorities


Denise was too stressed at work to worry about her own dietary requirements, so she joined Dietchef.co.uk.

This freed up a couple of hours in the evening to think about how irresponsible she was.

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Genetic Throwback goes Bareback


Steve got to know this girl during a song which lasted five minutes.

They really hit it off so they had sex in a dustbin. Afterwards, they discussed each others future dreams and missing teeth.

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Can I Just Stop You There…


…I know you said “I’m not being rude, but…”

quite a few of us thought you were actually quite rude. You fucking bitch.

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Lunch


Roger threw his sandwich against the wall and poured a cup of tea over his face. He had literally given up (on life).

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Newtorking (Networking)


She said “I’m not being funny, but…”

it turns out she was quite funny, I was in tears anyway, so we swapped phone numbers and a kiss.

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GMT (Greenwich Meantime) to BST (British Summertime)


“What time is it?”

“Twelve-thirty.”

“Is that the proper time?”

“Yes.”

“Is that clock wrong then? It says eleven-thirty.”

“Yes it’s wrong I’ll change it later.”

“So what’s the proper time?”

“Twelve-thirty.”

“But is that actually eleven-thirty, really?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s the proper time then, eleven-thirty?”

“No, twelve-thirty is the proper time. Eleven-thirty was the proper time yesterday. Just forget about what the proper time is. The time on the clock is the proper time.”

“What clock has the proper time on?”

“None, I haven’t changed them yet. I’ll do it later.”

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All Credit (to him)


Richard bought a car on finance and got three girlfriends.

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A Woman and A Man


“I want a divorce.”

“Do I know you?”

“Oh dear. I thought you were my husband.”

“No no. I’m his brother.”

“My husband has a brother?”

“I don’t know, who’s you’re husband?”

“I’m not sure I even have a husband.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Can I get you a drink?”

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Jogger in the 80’s


Peter went for a run and a testicle fell out of his shorts.

The crowds cheered as he packed himself back in, and sprinted the final lap.

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Woft


Nigel opened the oven and bent down, getting a right old face full of hot air in the process.

Nigel successfully sued the inventor of hot air, who remained unnamed for legal reasons.

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Employer Power #1


“Hello is that Michael?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“Hi Michael it’s John Adams, I’m just calling regarding your interview last week.”

“Oh Hi John!”

“I was wondering if you still wanted the job?”

“Yes, definitely! Why, did I get it?”

“No. No you didn’t. Now fuck off.”

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Forgetful


“Do you remember when we met?” asked Mable (smiling/nostalgic).

“No.” replied Ted (stern/set in his ways/gut problems).

She gave him a minute to redeem himself but it never came.

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Scrotes


A few lowlives headed into town for alcohol and fights, to celebrate some birthdays (29 & 32 respectively).

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Where they went last year


Some fatties, sweaty drunks and nervous flyers packed onto a plane, as it headed to a familiar destination full of familiar things. The complimentary beef and mash was piping hot and virtually edible.

 

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Scandal


An MP, who was fat, constantly paid for sex with taxpayers money. Then there was some sort of public scandal, and all the shitty behaviour came pouring out in the open. Now he reluctantly spends his own money, due to everyone making him feel really guilty, and all he wanted was to have sex without having all the fuss of millions of people nitpicking.

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Capital


Flo’s assets were tied up in her house, so her children asked if she could hurry up and die.

 

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Temptations


Kate signed up for a store card and when she got home the bailiffs had taken all of her furniture.

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Pop


A singer was banging on about how she wanted the DJ to keep spinning his tracks, so she could keep dancing until the early morn. Some idiots enjoyed what she had to say, but my feeling was that everyone who sings about parties and DJ’s should fuck off (until the morning light.)

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Freak


Sally had three tits and twelve boyfriends. Nobody laughed at her anymore.

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Hit Me, Omega 3, Hit Me


I was slapped in the face by a trout. A big fat oily one. And that was my fish intake for the year.

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Empathy


“I’m ready when you are.” said Alison.

“Just cut the shit Alison, I’m going as quick as I can.” replied Daisy.

They never did get on well, those two.

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Face to Face Sale


I sold my face on Ebay but forgot to state that I came with the face. I had already posted it by the time I realised. I’ll end up with bad feedback no doubt.

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The Need to be Popular


The Doctor’s receptionist acknowledged the growing queue, but she simply had to finish telling her colleagues about Ivy’s hilarious diagnosis.

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Buffet


The man behind Alan in the buffet queue was breathing on Alan’s neck. Alan started crying. To rub it in, the best stuff had pretty much gone.

 

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Claim number 1


Mary fell over some plastic at work, so she claimed some money because it wasn’t her fault. Then she got sacked because the company thought she wasn’t a team player. She couldn’t even cover the cost of her new knees!

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Plug


Malcolm accidentally pulled the plug out with his foot, and it took him over ten seconds to get it back in. Why he had a stopwatch in the bath, I’ll never know.

Also, why was I watching him in the bath?

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Pain


I sneezed and split my lip. I thought about cutting my lips off as I couldn’t guarantee not sneezing again. This way I remained in control.

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Vanish


I was doing the laundry when the pink Vanish lady came barging in, shouting off about how she could get all those nasty stains out by using just a splash of whatever she was wielding about in her hands. I was really scared but I told her she was essentially trespassing and threatened to phone the police, at which point she ran off and jumped over next door’s fence.

And after all that I realised that I’d shit myself.

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Wheat


I opened my Shredded Wheat. Botham was still fucking about inside. I told him to leave.

He said he was going anyway.

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Skank Maths


When asked how sure he was that the baby was his, Rob replied “50/50”.

Yet, Rochelle had sex with four other men during their one week break. How then, could this be?

 

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Opportunity


“Where do you see yourself in five years time?”

“Alive? How the fuck should I know?”

“Congratulations. You got the job.”

 

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Offer


50% extra free. Yvonne went crazy for it. It was only in the car journey home that she realised that it equaled 750ml and not 1000ml (1ltr) as she presumed. She started to hyperventilate.

“Why would they do this? Why would they do this? I’m taking this back, Roy. Turn the car around right now!”

“No Yvonne, you can’t keep doing this. Fucking read it next time. Read it in the shop and not in the car, I’m not going back.”

“I hate you, Roy. I hate you! I hate you!”

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Never on a First Date


“I have five siblings.” he said.

“What’s a sibling?” she asked.

He didn’t know. Never again would he use a more complicated word just for the sake of it.

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Urinal


Steve found a pube on a urinal.

He was pretty sure he didn’t have any pubes, so whose was it?

 

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Model


“It’s a replica Spitfire.” said Malcolm.

“I love it. And I think I love you too.” replied Bill.

“This isn’t going to work Bill. I can’t do this.” Malcolm announced.

“Can we still be friends?” pleaded Bill.

“Yeah I think you’ve fucked that up.” Malcolm blasted.

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Airport


Tony arrived at the airport but he had forgotten ALL of his ties; even the one he was wearing.

He was down shit street proper if he couldn’t make that important conference in Hamburg or Munich or whatever, but luckily he found a Tie Rack and his life was worth living again.

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Shampoo


“You can use my shampoo, as long as you don’t use too much.”

“I don’t have any hair, so I can’t see myself using too much.”

“That’s GREAT! Here’s the shampoo.”

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You


She fluttered her eyelashes. He felt like he knew her from somewhere.

“Do I know you?” he asked.

“Yes.” she said. “I’m you in five years time.”

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Restaurant


“It’s made from 100% British potatoes”

“But I didn’t order potatoes.”

“Yes like I said sir, it’s made from 100% British potatoes.”

“Is it too late to book somewhere else?”

“Yes, I think it is.”

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